fat ain't all that fun

Depression, laziness and having a kid has made me more and more well.... fat. In High School when people made fun of my weight, I was the first one to agree with them. It's become a symbol for myself, a big beautiful woman.

Other reasons has lead me to believe that being fat ain't all that fun. Running with my kid and losing my breath or even just cleaning, I'm completely out of energy.

With this new job, I've developed the super strength to want to move. It's amazing. I just can't sit around my house and do nothing. Things need to be done. True, when I get home from that said work, all I want to do is take a hot shower and a nap. But that never happens.

Here's the secret... I'm 270 pounds... as of a few weeks ago. Theres not a scale in the house but there will be after today.

 My BMI is 41.0 which is considered "Obese". I don't carry my weight as one things so for my size. One of those reasons are I'm 5'8". A really tall one. So my weight is distributed accordingly. 

Both myself and my boyfriend are going on diets. We're getting help from Myfitnesspal which is connected to our phones. There's absolutely no need to make excuses why we can't count the calories. It's all right there.

The program itself is simple. Whatever food that you do eat is cataloged into this. It shows you how many calories you have left in the day as well as fat and sugar, etc. This helps with Steve's diabetes. He can also notate in his food notes what his daily sugar was. A good  record for himself and for his doctors. 

With exercise, you can also catalog what you've done for that day. When you start the program, you tell it how much you want to exercise per day. It'll calculate how many calories you need to burn for the week and what's your goal per day. You input what you've done, ie. moving, cleaning, walking, running, treadmill... sex... whatever. And it'll show you how close you're at your goal. 

The best part of all of this... it's free. Including the phone apps.

I just really need to stay away from the ice cream. 

Skeleton Key

One of the things that you have to go through in life are the memories of people who have passed. 

My grandmother, 93 years old, is moving this week. Bless her heart she's lived in the same house for 60 plus years. My father and aunt had been raised there, I had been raised there, and I was hoping that my son would of been raised there. Life happens and so does finances. Along with taxes and utility bills. Somethings that I could never keep up with. Owning a house is completely different from renting. 

Going through her things has been a heartbreak. Pictures and mementos from years passed. Things I thought I'd never see again in my life resurfacing at the base of her closet. It gives a whole new meaning to skeletons in your closet. 

But I love her with all of my heart. She help raise me after my mother had passed away in 1995. My grandma has been there for my entire life. I can't say that about many people anymore. 

I look at that house now as a skeleton key. Moving from one door to another and hoping that the next door that opens is going to be as better as the last. 

So tomorrow I'm going to go on. No balls, no glory. Keep moving forward and so on and so forth. Hoping that those skeletons don't eat me alive. 

Meet me on Monday... again

Another addition to Meet me on Monday. I'm starting to write more but the words aren't just flowing from my fingers. Any suggestions? I know Memes are getting tiresome but the world can only have so much drama.

 Anywhoo... here are some questions from this weeks MMOM. 

1.  Crunchy or soft tacos?

Soft Tacos completely. I love them. The hard ones usually fall apart to just crumble into a mess. Who wants to eat a taco with a fork??

2.  Do you scrapbook?

I use to scrapbook all the time. It became really expensive after a while but I still have a lot of my supplies. The main thing that I definitely need to get done is my son's baby book. By the way, he's turning 5 in May. Yey for procrastinators! 

3.  Do you take any daily medications?

I use to take happy pills until they made me want to jump out of a 10 story window. I really don't understand the concept of anti-depressant pills having warnings with possible suicidal thoughts. So I tossed them out a window. 

4.  What is your favorite sound?

5.  Where were you born?

In this general vicinity. Amish country. Gotta love it. 

Now I lay me down to sleep...

Every night I kiss my son goodnight, check on him at least once or twice before I fall asleep. If I get up to go to the bathroom or get a drink, I check on him. Routinely. 

Whenever I hear someone missing or gone, it unravels me.  This goes a little closer to home. A young girl who lives in my old town is gone. She's a senior in High School and has gone missing in the worst place.

 It's a creek that my family and I have walked before. My son's been down there playing with rocks and chasing fish. In the summer time it's a beautiful place. The road heading down towards it is like a hill that you hold your breath at every turn, that's when theres no ice. The creek itself you can walk, possibly finding a swimming hole and a waterfall coming off of the 60 ft cliff. 

In early spring, it's the worst time. There is ice everywhere that breaks, if it's a sunny day. One day you can access a part of the creek, another day it's either covered with snow or water. There are hundreds of places you can fall and get hurt. Get caught in the stream or crack through ice. 

Everyone is praying, hard. Hoping that she's found somewhere. Maybe picked up by a friend or walking aimlessly in the woods. Just keep praying, that's all most of us can do. 

Those halls I can walk with my eyes closed. The firetruck I have some of the best memories with. That meeting room, I've slept in during a storm in 2007. My last post was just about my ex, someone who had unraveled me in the worst way. This is a side of him that I saw the most, that brought me to love him. He's not only praying but he's out there. Looking for her. I'm hoping that soon I'll get a happy phone call. 

Holding my hand

Another blog post that I stumbled on made me think for a minute. Just a minute. The fears and insecurities that I had and the doubts were all there. In my mind. The questions and the whys, the phone calls and the memories. 

That piece of paper that now sits in a box, under my bed. The reason that my last name starts with a L instead of a B. The reason why I flinch every time someone comes after me. The reason why I am a stronger person today. 

The blog post listed reasons what marriage is all about. Promises, optimism, selectiveness and security. The point that you're significant other will hold your hand until the day you die. 

Five years on the fourteen of January. And three of those years we haven't been under the same roof. 

I respect him as the father of my son. We still talk and he still brings up the fact that "I'm his wife". Like that word is going to change anything. That I'm moving on with someone else other than him, and I still hold his name. That there is some hope for the both of us being together, despite everything. 

Religion, commitment, and the thought of the word marriage didn't stop him. 

He didn't hold my hand when he slammed my head into a concrete wall. 

He didn't hold my hand when he punched me in the face... when I tried taking our son from his house. His house with no hot water, no food and no electricity. 

He still doesn't hold my hand... when my son asks why I cry. When I sit there, looking at those pictures and remembering why. Why I went through with those vows, those lies. 

That piece of paper means nothing when promises are broken. 

Really???

The first one says " Lasagna with Meat Sauce - Layers of fresh lasagna noodles filled with a hearty meat sauce & a blend of two cheeses"

The second one says " Lasagna Italiano - A hearty lasagna, with layers of noodles, ricotta & mozzarella cheeses, Italian sausage and beef in a flavorful tomato sauce."

They both tasted the same. They both cost the same. They both looked the same coming out of the oven. 

So.... Does anyone notice the difference???

Meet me on Monday...

Another fun Meme of Meet me on Monday. The one thing I love about these is looking at new blogs and essentially meeting new people. 
1.  What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
Usually some sort of earrings. I need to get new ones because apparently I can't wear "fake" jewelry for to long. It makes my ears turn green. I always wear my class ring and my necklace from Steve. 

2.  Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl it. Around and around and around..... ok ADD is kicking in.

3.  How many siblings do you have?
One. 

His name is Brad, he's 33 years old and I haven't seen him in 3 years. We really never got along, I don't know why. Just a conflict of interests. 

4.  Were you named after anyone?
Ha. Ha. Another thing from my brother. The story goes, cause theirs always stories, is that my brother had the choice of naming me. He named me after his high school girlfriend Katie. I don't know if this is 100% true but her name is Katie, now she's a hippie living in Ohio.
5.  Coke or Pepsi?
Pepsi.
Yummy.