Wednesday, March 30, 2011

fat ain't all that fun

Depression, laziness and having a kid has made me more and more well.... fat. In High School when people made fun of my weight, I was the first one to agree with them. It's become a symbol for myself, a big beautiful woman.

Other reasons has lead me to believe that being fat ain't all that fun. Running with my kid and losing my breath or even just cleaning, I'm completely out of energy.

With this new job, I've developed the super strength to want to move. It's amazing. I just can't sit around my house and do nothing. Things need to be done. True, when I get home from that said work, all I want to do is take a hot shower and a nap. But that never happens.

Here's the secret... I'm 270 pounds... as of a few weeks ago. Theres not a scale in the house but there will be after today.

 My BMI is 41.0 which is considered "Obese". I don't carry my weight as one things so for my size. One of those reasons are I'm 5'8". A really tall one. So my weight is distributed accordingly. 

Both myself and my boyfriend are going on diets. We're getting help from Myfitnesspal which is connected to our phones. There's absolutely no need to make excuses why we can't count the calories. It's all right there.

The program itself is simple. Whatever food that you do eat is cataloged into this. It shows you how many calories you have left in the day as well as fat and sugar, etc. This helps with Steve's diabetes. He can also notate in his food notes what his daily sugar was. A good  record for himself and for his doctors. 

With exercise, you can also catalog what you've done for that day. When you start the program, you tell it how much you want to exercise per day. It'll calculate how many calories you need to burn for the week and what's your goal per day. You input what you've done, ie. moving, cleaning, walking, running, treadmill... sex... whatever. And it'll show you how close you're at your goal. 

The best part of all of this... it's free. Including the phone apps.

I just really need to stay away from the ice cream. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Skeleton Key

One of the things that you have to go through in life are the memories of people who have passed. 



My grandmother, 93 years old, is moving this week. Bless her heart she's lived in the same house for 60 plus years. My father and aunt had been raised there, I had been raised there, and I was hoping that my son would of been raised there. Life happens and so does finances. Along with taxes and utility bills. Somethings that I could never keep up with. Owning a house is completely different from renting. 

Going through her things has been a heartbreak. Pictures and mementos from years passed. Things I thought I'd never see again in my life resurfacing at the base of her closet. It gives a whole new meaning to skeletons in your closet. 

But I love her with all of my heart. She help raise me after my mother had passed away in 1995. My grandma has been there for my entire life. I can't say that about many people anymore. 

I look at that house now as a skeleton key. Moving from one door to another and hoping that the next door that opens is going to be as better as the last. 

So tomorrow I'm going to go on. No balls, no glory. Keep moving forward and so on and so forth. Hoping that those skeletons don't eat me alive. 
Monday, March 28, 2011

Meet me on Monday... again




Another addition to Meet me on Monday. I'm starting to write more but the words aren't just flowing from my fingers. Any suggestions? I know Memes are getting tiresome but the world can only have so much drama.


 Anywhoo... here are some questions from this weeks MMOM. 


1.  Crunchy or soft tacos?

Soft Tacos completely. I love them. The hard ones usually fall apart to just crumble into a mess. Who wants to eat a taco with a fork??



2.  Do you scrapbook?


I use to scrapbook all the time. It became really expensive after a while but I still have a lot of my supplies. The main thing that I definitely need to get done is my son's baby book. By the way, he's turning 5 in May. Yey for procrastinators! 

3.  Do you take any daily medications?

I use to take happy pills until they made me want to jump out of a 10 story window. I really don't understand the concept of anti-depressant pills having warnings with possible suicidal thoughts. So I tossed them out a window. 

4.  What is your favorite sound?




5.  Where were you born?


In this general vicinity. Amish country. Gotta love it. 


Saturday, March 26, 2011

Now I lay me down to sleep...



Every night I kiss my son goodnight, check on him at least once or twice before I fall asleep. If I get up to go to the bathroom or get a drink, I check on him. Routinely. 

Whenever I hear someone missing or gone, it unravels me.  This goes a little closer to home. A young girl who lives in my old town is gone. She's a senior in High School and has gone missing in the worst place.

 It's a creek that my family and I have walked before. My son's been down there playing with rocks and chasing fish. In the summer time it's a beautiful place. The road heading down towards it is like a hill that you hold your breath at every turn, that's when theres no ice. The creek itself you can walk, possibly finding a swimming hole and a waterfall coming off of the 60 ft cliff. 

In early spring, it's the worst time. There is ice everywhere that breaks, if it's a sunny day. One day you can access a part of the creek, another day it's either covered with snow or water. There are hundreds of places you can fall and get hurt. Get caught in the stream or crack through ice. 

Everyone is praying, hard. Hoping that she's found somewhere. Maybe picked up by a friend or walking aimlessly in the woods. Just keep praying, that's all most of us can do. 




Those halls I can walk with my eyes closed. The firetruck I have some of the best memories with. That meeting room, I've slept in during a storm in 2007. My last post was just about my ex, someone who had unraveled me in the worst way. This is a side of him that I saw the most, that brought me to love him. He's not only praying but he's out there. Looking for her. I'm hoping that soon I'll get a happy phone call. 


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Holding my hand

Another blog post that I stumbled on made me think for a minute. Just a minute. The fears and insecurities that I had and the doubts were all there. In my mind. The questions and the whys, the phone calls and the memories. 

That piece of paper that now sits in a box, under my bed. The reason that my last name starts with a L instead of a B. The reason why I flinch every time someone comes after me. The reason why I am a stronger person today. 

The blog post listed reasons what marriage is all about. Promises, optimism, selectiveness and security. The point that you're significant other will hold your hand until the day you die. 

Five years on the fourteen of January. And three of those years we haven't been under the same roof. 

I respect him as the father of my son. We still talk and he still brings up the fact that "I'm his wife". Like that word is going to change anything. That I'm moving on with someone else other than him, and I still hold his name. That there is some hope for the both of us being together, despite everything. 

Religion, commitment, and the thought of the word marriage didn't stop him. 

He didn't hold my hand when he slammed my head into a concrete wall. 

He didn't hold my hand when he punched me in the face... when I tried taking our son from his house. His house with no hot water, no food and no electricity. 

He still doesn't hold my hand... when my son asks why I cry. When I sit there, looking at those pictures and remembering why. Why I went through with those vows, those lies. 

That piece of paper means nothing when promises are broken. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Really???


The first one says " Lasagna with Meat Sauce - Layers of fresh lasagna noodles filled with a hearty meat sauce & a blend of two cheeses"

The second one says " Lasagna Italiano - A hearty lasagna, with layers of noodles, ricotta & mozzarella cheeses, Italian sausage and beef in a flavorful tomato sauce."

They both tasted the same. They both cost the same. They both looked the same coming out of the oven. 







So.... Does anyone notice the difference???


Meet me on Monday...


Another fun Meme of Meet me on Monday. The one thing I love about these is looking at new blogs and essentially meeting new people. 

1.  What jewelry do you wear 24/7?

Usually some sort of earrings. I need to get new ones because apparently I can't wear "fake" jewelry for to long. It makes my ears turn green. I always wear my class ring and my necklace from Steve. 




2.  Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?

Twirl it. Around and around and around..... ok ADD is kicking in.


3.  How many siblings do you have?

One. 



His name is Brad, he's 33 years old and I haven't seen him in 3 years. We really never got along, I don't know why. Just a conflict of interests. 


4.  Were you named after anyone?

Ha. Ha. Another thing from my brother. The story goes, cause theirs always stories, is that my brother had the choice of naming me. He named me after his high school girlfriend Katie. I don't know if this is 100% true but her name is Katie, now she's a hippie living in Ohio.

5.  Coke or Pepsi?

Pepsi.

Yummy. 




Sunday, March 13, 2011

Yes, another meme....

But I'll promise, pinky promise, to actually write something of significance soon. This just keeps my creative fluids running while I'm trying to survive my day job. 

Speaking of day job... did anyone know that last night was Daylight savings? Yeah. I didn't. So guess who showed up a hour late for work because her all powerful Android phone didn't calibrate itself. 

I'm a walking Murphy's Law. 


Sunday Stealing

17. Who would you like to show up at your door to say they love you?

My monster. Lately he's been pushy and crabby. Mainly when I've called the past few days while he's been at daddy's he hasn't wanted to talk to me. So for him to randomly show up, and give me a big 'ol hug and kiss. And a I love you would be wonderful.

18. Last furry thing you touched?

Um... is this a trick question?

To keep it PG-13, my kitty. Not that kitty. My kitty cat Rayne.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, Strattera, Cocaine, Heroin, Hydrocodone, LSD, some weed, Methamphetaime, Oxycotion and MDMA. Just to name a few....

I'm joking. I've just taken two 500mg of Tylenol because of my sinus infection giving me a headache. I've never touched drugs, other than cigarettes and caffeine, in my life. 

20. Do you miss film or does digital work for you?

Digital works for me. But I miss the days where you take a thousand pictures and some of them come out excellent, and some come out horrible. Either way, you're stuck with that picture.

It represents life, not to get all Budda. Life isn't perfect, and those pictures were a lasting proof of imperfection in life. Nowadays, if you want to erase the imperfections, all you need to do is press delete. 

That and I miss all the can-did photos. 

21. Favorite age you have been so far?

I'm young. So my favorite age isn't until later in life.

22. Your worst enemy?

The cold. 

Not achoo cold, more like, ice cold. 

I live in Buffalo, New York. Which is Western New York. We get lake effect snow that lasts from late September to mid to late April. We've had snow on Halloween countless times. If you ever watch Ghost Hunters on Halloween, you know how they're bundled up? Yeap, that's home. 

As a girl for Easter, it sucked having to wear stockings and a dress. My legs would get so cold by the end of the day, I put pants on. 

23. What is your current desktop picture?

On the desktop it's a blue spiral thingie.

On my laptop, it's something that represents myself and my boyfriend.

Again, nothing dirty. Get your head out of the toilet!

24. What was the last thing you said that was funny?

I want polka-dots!!





25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

A million bucks because I'm afraid of heights. Even though I want to go sky-diving one of these days. 

26. Who can't you say “no” to?

My grandmother. Point blank simple. No Nos. Just yeses. 

27. The last song you bought or downloaded?

Mmmmm... I can safely say that the last movie I downloaded was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Song? No clue.
 
28. What time of day were you born?

5:00pm. My dad said he remembers it because the Simpsons were on. 

29. What’s your favorite number? Why?

Two. Cause everything looks great in twos.
 
30. Where did you live in 1987?

My mama's belly. Yes, I am that young. 

31. Are you jealous of anyone?


He's just awesome and I want to eat cake all day.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?


If they are, they need to be committed. Immediately. 

33. It's been almost a decade. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

Again, I'm mad young. I was in nineth grade, yes nineth, of high school. It was the first week of school and I was in biology class. I remember specifically that my principle wouldn't let us turn on the television. That the school was in lock down and we had no clue what was going on until the next class where our teacher explained it to us. 
Friday, March 11, 2011

Five question Friday rocks my sox.

Another long awaited (NOT) Five question Friday. Link up if your for the fun! 


1. Do you know what your REAL hair color is?

I'm a blonde. 

Yes.

True blonde. Some people know this and others have looked at my roots either squealing " you're a blonde?!"  or not wanting to say I might have grays. I've dyed my hair black, red, bleach blonde, black/blue, multi-colored and everything in between. I've never gone with green or anything of the sort. Although my last hair experiment turned my streaks into orangeish/pinkish/red. 

It's currently black. Jet black.

2. Do you plan ahead for summer, or fly by the seat of your pants?

I try to plan. I really do. 


They've even made me a list! 

It's just a matter of me actually getting out and doing something. 

3. What is your favorite meal to cook?

Something complicated which takes me an hour at the grocery store to find all the ingredients and forever at home to cook.

 It's a learning experience and I love to pretend that I'm in Iron Chef.

"Allez Cuisine!"
 
4. Do you get offended by not receiving thank yous?

Sometimes. Depends on what it is. If I do it on a daily basis like the dishes, I don't expect a thank you card and flowers. But if it's something I've gone completely out of the way for, a nice thank you and a hug with suffice.
 
5. How did you meet your best friend?

Oh god.

*takes a big breath* 

In 2005, my ex-husband and I were first dating. It was a complicated mess that I'll get into later. Anywhoo, we needed a place to stay. He suggested that we go up to a town which is about 30-40 miles away from where we were currently living to see if his friend would let us stay with her. We went up there the first time, left a note on her door and went back down the 40 mile journey. We get a phone call the next day from his friend and they chit-chat. She and her husband agreed to let us stay until we could find an apartment.

The thing that my ex never told me that this woman was his ex. Sorta. They had a past fling that never went further than a picnic table at a state park ten years ago. Yea, I was a little panicky at first but as the years went by, and how much she's done for me and my son through everything. I love her. She's my sister and I'm glad to call her my family.

 
Thursday, March 10, 2011

The back of my eyelids

I miss you... you red capillary mess you. 

The blissfulness of the darkness. 

No sound, no thoughts, no nothing. 

The job has been going wonderful ( lie ). I absolutely love it. (another lie) I have all the energy in the world to fulfill all of this. (Big fat Lie)

My supervisor told me today that I need to get use to working again. That's not the problem. The problem is the back breaking work, literary, that's involved. For the past 4 years, I've been doing clerical work. Meaning sitting at a desk, drinking a shit load of coffee and usually involves a lot of customer service and phone calls.


This job is the complete opposite. I'm often left alone, sometimes in the back room. Not alone as in no other co-workers, alone like no body. I would absolutely love it (maybe) if I could bring my ipod. 

It involves me being on my feet for 8 hours in the day. Picking up 23 lbs of something, not really going to tell much, about a thousand times a day. Bending, kneeling, lifting, etc. My body, especially my sciatic nerve, is not use to it at all. 

Long gone back breaking work has left scars on this land

It's a company that I love. Absolutely love. There's no way that I will be laid off because if they go out of business, it's the end of the world. For real. Millions of people depend on this business. Their everywhere. Even in the middle of nowhere. 

 I want to get into the depths. That's what I'm good at. Knowing the inside and outs of the business. I ask questions, a lot of them. I figure things out. I come up with intriguing ideas that will save the company money at the end of the day. 

It's just trying to get to that point. Without breaking my back, again in the literal sense. I'm a hard worker. Not to be stereotypical, I'm Irish. It's in my blood. And getting to that point will take years.... I'm up for it. 



Another point with this employment... my skeletons are now in the back room. And they talk.


I've been obsessed with this song. 
Amazing lyrics and beautiful voice. 
Monday, March 7, 2011

Meet me on Monday... half dead.

Another Meme is what it's going to be for today.

 Today was my first day of work and I'm absolutely floored. Not that it was a lot of work, very easy in fact. 

Seeing 7am on my alarm clock sucks.

What sucks more?

Seeing 6am tomorrow morning.

It's a job. A job that I like with a company that I love. 

Meet me on Monday from Never Growing Old. Stop over and join us. 


1.  What is your favorite way to eat potatoes?
Not to be the typical Irish woman but I love potatoes. Like, need them in every meal every day sort of love. Fried, baked, sauteed, potato au gratin, scalloped potatoes, roasted with butter, sliced and grilled, potato pancakes.... the ideas are endless.

But my favorite??? 

Loaded baked potato. 


2.  What was the last package that was delivered to your house?


That beauty right there. Isn't it perty?


3.  What is your favorite scent that you love to smell?

Summer. Going outside and smelling the crisp sky. Not feeling cold, just enjoying the warmth on my skin. Absolutely beautiful. 

4.  Do you smoke?

Ugh.... 

5.  Are your parents married or divorced?


Both of my parents are deceased. My mother died in 1995 of ovarian cancer and my father died in 2005 of brain cancer. 


I miss them so much. 

I'm having a puppy!

Dogs are great.

They really are. They lick you, kiss you, give you attention. Make sure that your home is safe as well as your children.


Dogs are like humans, how you raise them is what matters.


When Darrell was about a year old, he was bit by a Siberian Husky. I was furious, the dog owner tried playing it off like it was my son's fault. He's a baby, literary, how would he know not to pull his ear? Besides, she told me the dog was "kid friendly". More like "dinner friendly". 

It took us years and it's still hard for him to trust a puppy. 

When I was about a year old, my father got a Siberian Husky. His name was Brewster. You couldn't come in to see me before going past him. He was my guardian. Carried me around on his back and slept at my feet. 

Unfortunately when my mother passed away, we needed to give him away. He went to a farm, to run and chase squirrels.

Dogs are like humans, how you raise them is what matters. 

Steve, the boyfriend, wants a Pit Bull. Not a lot of people like Pitts because of their bad reputation for fighting and not being good with children. I've honestly seen a wiener-dog bite someone. So to categorize a certain breed with certain actions is discrimination. Something I'm not cool with.



So... hopefully... by the end of May around Darrell's 5th birthday. We'll be bringing a new family member home. 

I hope it's a girl. 
Sunday, March 6, 2011

Sunday Stealing

Cause I really don't have much to write about.

I love Memes. Their awesome. This is Sunday Stealing and I don't condone stealing in any way possible, but this gives permission.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I need to pluck my eyebrows

2. How much cash do you have on you?
Maybe 30 bucks to last me until whenever. I start the new job tomorrow so hopefully a paycheck soon! 

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Shore. Like Jersey Shore but less annoying.

4. Favorite planet?
Pizza Planet from Toy Story. 

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
My ex-husband trying to get a hold of me. My phone isn't loud so it's hard to hear it from a different room. I usually think it's just the TV.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Right now, I just have the generic ones. Trying to figure out one that I can hear. 

7. What shirt are you wearing?
A nightshirt of my mothers. No, I'm not creepy. It's Garfield staring down at a scale and there's a bubble that says "Liar". It's comfy and I've been wearing it for years. It use to go down to my knees. 

8. Do you label yourself?
"Fat", "Lazy", "Facebook Addict". Ya know, the usual.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?
It's a rare brand. Made in 1987 and the tips painted black. Sometimes their blue... or pink... or red. 

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Medium? Not to dark but not to bright. I like natural sunlight. 

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
Ummmm *looks* very into books. An English teacher too!

12. What does your watch look like?
Currently it's about 3in' long and 1 1/2 in' wide. It tells time, makes phone calls, lets me play angry birds. Just like every old watch.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Stalking  Navigating through other people's blogs. 

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
Ur Welcome :-)

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Apparently only 9 mi away. I want a slushie now. 

16. What's a word that you say a lot?

"Where's?" I lose... everything. My phone, my purse, my shoes, my brain. 
Saturday, March 5, 2011

Holding on for dear life


There’s a little secret about me. I love watching Hoarders. It’s like that TV show that you don’t want to be caught watching because, why would you watch it?
Growing up, my grandmother kept everything. The house wasn’t to bad but when you went in the basement, it was a whole different story. Years and years of build up and stuff.
My Aunt who I call the “anti-hoarder” came in about three years ago and completely got rid of everything and anything. Either gave it away or threw it away. I got a few mementos from my childhood but the basement never looked the same.
The thing that really gets me though about this show is the excess. The fact that I’ve had to give up my things, little that they are, and they get to buy in excess.
Over the past five years I’ve accumulated a lot of stuff and then the past two years, most of it is gone. Divorce and moving do that. I was homeless a few times and living with a friend. My stuff was in storage and I lost it.
It gave me a new appreciation for the things that I do have in my home. My son, my friends, my keepsakes. Not to many, but somethings that I will have for the next 60 years. The things that are always listed in the “Do not drop” box when I move.
What do you hold dear? A teddy bear from your childhood or maybe the first time your child wrote their name?
 

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